Marriage is such a big commitment, what are some important questions to ask before you commit to make sure that you're making the right decision. Assume that religious questions have already been discussed. Before you get married make sure you talk about these important issues:
1. Do you want to have children?
It is a huge red flag in your relationship if you and your future spouse can not agree on whether to have children or not. Thinking that you can deal with this issue later in your marriage is a mistake.
2. Can we talk about money?
The mechanics of how the two of you will handle your finances really isn't the issue. Many couples in successful marriages have separate checking accounts and many couples in successful marriages have one account. The issue is whether or not the two of you can calmly and practically talk about money. If how your money is spent, or saved, or not spent is an issue before you get married, it will be an even bigger issue after your wedding. If your future spouse doesn't want to talk about money, or doesn't think talking about money is important, postpone your wedding until this issue is solved.
3. Can we talk about sex?
There is no way of predicting the future when it comes to an individual's sexual libido. However, if the two of you are already having sexual issues, you shouldn't get married until the issues are settled. Differences in sexual frequency, desire, preferences, fantasies, masturbation, pornography, expectations, etc. will tear the two of you apart. If you and your partner are unable to talk about the issues, or if your future spouse doesn't see any real problem, or doesn't want to talk about sex with you, cancel the wedding.
4. How much time will we spend with our in-laws?
They may be wonderful people who love you both, but your in-laws should not be allowed to interfere in your marriage relationship. If either one of you will not set boundaries with your own parents when it comes to visits, phone calls, finances, children, etc., the problem with your in-laws will only worsen.
5. Will you clean the toilet?
If the answer is "no" or "why should I?" or "Isn't that your job?", you have several options: 1.)You can hire someone to do the chores that neither of you wants to do. 2.)You can accept that you will be doing 90% of the chores around the house, and 3.) You can discuss the importance of sharing the household chores together. If none of these options work out, call off the wedding. This is another one of those issues that won't suddenly get better after you sign the marriage license.
6. How do you want to spend our days off?
Balancing work and fun and family time and personal time is not easy. Without talking about the time aspect of your life together, you may find yourself grumbling because your spouse is spending what you consider to be too much time with old friends and extended family, or on hobbies, sports, the computer, etc. Living a balanced life together will create the time you both need, individually and together, for vacations, quiet time, and fun time.
7. How often do you drink?
The answer to this question, or to questions about smoking cigarettes or using drugs, will reveal whether or not your future spouse has a potential addiction problem which could end up not only threatening your marriage but could also put you in legal and financial jeopardy.
8. Have you ever hit someone?
If your future spouse has anger management issues, or tries to control who you see and what you do, or is causing you to walk on egg shells, cancel your wedding. These are signs of a potentially abusive personality. Don't think you can "save" him or her. You can't. This is a problem that needs professional counseling.
9. Do you think it is important to be faithful to one another?
Open marriage and swinging is okay for some married couples, but most want and prefer a monogamous relationship. If your future spouse and you have differing opinions on what cheating is or isn't, don't get married until this issue has been discussed.
10. What do you think we'll be doing in thirty or forty years?
If your future spouse can't answer this or won't answer this, then the two of you need to talk about long-lasting marriage expectations. Why marry someone who doesn't think your marriage will last? The very unromantic part of a relationship, lol, but necessary to hash out before making any sort of big commitment.
Money: how you each spend-if one of you is a 'money is meant to be spent today', and the other is a miser/save for retirement type, you're going to run into problems. Lots of habits in life are choices we make that we can break out of if they're not healthy, or even habits or views that naturally change over time. Then there are the things that make us who we are, or dig in your heel type things, like religious or spiritual beliefs/ethics/political views (generally, more liberal views or conservative, that dictate how you run your life). Food choices may or may not be- depending on how easy going you are or picky, or how you are with living with differing views on life. I'm not talking about 'are we having chicken or fish tonight?' But things like one is a vegetarian, the other is not. How fundamental will that be in your relationship without feeling the need to change someone? lol
Are you ever going to want kids? Is he? If you both are, what are your parenting styles? Views on how to raise/discipline children (corporal vs non, strict vs go with the flow). Might as well sort all that all now. Compromise is certainly a huge cornerstone of successful relationship,s but you can't compromise on everything, so how livable will those differences be?
Career/job/school: where are you both at, would one be willing to work while the other goes to school? Would one be willing to up and move if the other got a job offer somewhere?
Other things will come up in your own list when you sit down and do some soul searching. Have fun and good luck! Find out when or if the other person wants children and how many. Make sure you agree on how you will use money, savings things like that. Make sure you agree on matters regarding sex, also will you both work or will one be a homemaker. Find out what are the real dealbreakers for the other person as they are different for everybody.
Money, sex, religion, careers and children are the biggest things people get divorced over. How strong ones faith really is.
Immature traits.
Poor financial choices.
Lack of self motivation.
Lazy or Hard working.
Thoughtfulness.
Independent or clingy.
Trustworthy.
History of lying
Cheated on or the cheater.
Short fuse or Anger issues.
Is the other person willing to put 50/50 into it all the time.
I wish I would of picked up on the signs about financial choices and making bad choices. He has a problem with getting addicted to things, not drugs or drinking, just having to save everything or do bad things. He's lied a few times but I caught him. I think we should of got marriage counseling before we got married but we didn't. He swore he didn't have any probs and I trusted him. I do love him lots and he's a good guy BUT the probs he hid are not fun to deal with. Take your time the true colors will show. Then you will know....
Best wishes and Good luck to whatever you do!!! :) Personally, I think that you really shouldn't have questions to ask if you are at the point of getting married. Have the talks before hand on how you want to handle money, views on children (when to have them , how to raise them), life long commitments. If you know each other well enough then the engagement should be a no-brainer. I think the biggest thing is what is your expectation of your future - where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years.
This includes:
--career goals (will it require moving a lt to achieve your career goal),
-- lifestyle (what type of lifestyle do you want to have, and what sacrifices regarding time with family are you willing to make, what types of things do you want to spend any money on),
--kids (how many, Stay-at-home vs. daycare),
Being on the same page about your life - now and the future - will go a very very very long way in helping make your marriage happy. We've never argued about money because we have had the same financial goals, both short and long term. Ask what their credit is like and if they have an derogatory credit. Once you marry, their credit history becomes yours.
Who will care for your children when born? Will one of you stay home until they start school or will mom return to work after 6 weeks and you will have a baby sitter.
Discuss how holidays will be done as in your family or theirs, etc. The biggest marital problems are money, sex, and kids, so here goes:
When do we want to have children?
How many children?
Who will take care of the kids?
Will I have to work full-time after I have children?
Will you be willing to go to counseling if we have marital problems?
Do you look at porn?
Would you stop if I asked?
Do you masterbate? If so, how often?
Do you visit websites like myspace or do you have a profile on myspace? Is it OK to chat with the opposite sex?
Is it OK to text the opposite sex?
Do you have friends of the opposite sex? If so, do you think it's ok or not ok to have lunch or dinner with them?
Is it OK to go out with friends in the evenings? If so, how often? Is it OK to go to the bar? To strip clubs?
Is it OK to drink? Ok to smoke? Ok to do drugs?
How will we divide the bills?
How do we divide the cooking and cleaning?
How often will we go on vacation?
How often will we go out to movies or dinner?
How much will we save each week? How much spending money will each of us have?
Is it OK if other people live with us? Is it OK if we live with other people?
How often will we visit your family?
How do we divide visiting family on holidays? Where will we spend christmas eve? where will we spend christmas day? Are you ready to start a new life with your finiance?or to commit yourself with only one person for the rest of your life?
Do you feel fullfilled?
Are you ready mentally,physically,emotionally and financially?
how do you see both of you 5 years from now?
Career paths?
Children? Do you want kids? How often do you want sex? Do you want to move or stay there forever? What are your spending & savings goals? What are your career goals and how far would you go to achieve them? Plans for the future, where you both plan to live, children (when and how many), career goals, current financial situation, debt, etc. Number one question to me is,
'do you love me?'
next, would be 'do you want children?' Do you want kids? What are your goals? Where would you like to settle down? Who will take care of the money/bills? have you ever slept with my sister . lol try living with him first...
you really get to know someone that way, also remember, just because your engaged doesn't mean you have to get married! |
